Month: November 2022

Single Mom vs. Christmas Tree: year 3.
Uncategorized

Single Mom vs. Christmas Tree: year 3.

lesbehonest20172 Comments

Everything I thought I knew about parenting when there were two adults in the house went out the door with my ex back in 2020. Because single parenting is a new ballgame.

We got our Christmas tree this weekend. And it was a debacle because I wanted pre-cut and went to a place, it was cut your own, before I knew what was happening a guy was shoving a saw in my hand and the boys were running up a hill. It’s not a little hill. It’s a half mile completely up hill. Since doing this on my own I have always gotten a pre-cut tree so I’m trekking up the hill already nervous that this is going to go poorly.

We make it up the hill. We find the tree. I’m on the ground in kind of a nice outfit because I was expecting a pre-cut tree, and with my hair down. I have a lot of hair. Curly. Trees. Sap. It was a thing. So I’m sawing the tree. My son keeps trying to grab the saw to “help” and I’m like please stop because I’m going to cut off your finger by accident.

When I hear a male voice from above, “You need a hand?”

I emerge from the ground/tree. There is a very nice man and five children of various ages and a small wife all smiling down at me and my kids. He and his teenage son get the tree down within about ten seconds like freaking champs. And the family is circled around us and I’m thinking they are going to start singing a song from a the Sound of Music or something. They look picturesque and sort of whole in a way that a single mom covered in sap, crazy hair, may have been swearing at the tree, and her two twin boys…well don’t. If my sons and I would break into song it would be a song from Jungle Cruise. Because, man, we are just trying to survive.

We get the tree. Thanks to the very kind Von Trapp-esque family. The tree farm people seem to emerge out of the trees as we are dragging the tree out and take it from the boys and I and throw it on a tractor that brings it down the hill. They strap it to our car. I mean overall it was great service and all inclusive.

The hardest part was when we got home. Because then it’s just me. I set up the stand, and the boys helped me hose it off, and I drag it inside, and am wrestling with it to get it in the stand and upright. This of course is after I got if off the car.

So there I am, wrestling a tree. It was a lot fatter than it looked in the field. And I still had on my nice clothes. And I am in the damn thing. And I’m trying to drop it on center of the stand, then lean down and screw the screw things and then it kind slouches over when I think I’ve got it.

It happened then. One of my sons was standing on the other side of the fat tree. I thought he was watching his brother play a Switch game but he was apparently monitoring me quite intently. I made a noise- somewhere between a sigh/sob/groan of frustration.

It’s in those moments that- well you ever get those flashes of the most intense thoughts and emotions that sort of leak in? Like when I first got divorced I was angry, grieving, resentful all the time low level. I’m not anymore. But in those moments it comes through- a flash of all that hurt and pain and anger at having to do these moments alone. It’s quite visceral and unless you’ve experienced it rather difficult to describe.

But it’s important to name it. To write it. Because if there is one single parent out there who reads this and feels that and this normalizes it for you, then it’s for the best. We, as a society, do not talk about divorce and the repercussions of it and single parenting two and three years in because we are all just supposed to adapt and smile and post on social media pretending every moment is liquid gold.

But it’s not. Because when my son heard that sound I made he came around and looked at me concerned, “Are you okay Mama?” “Yeah baby, I am okay, some things are just really hard to do with one person, and this is one of them.” He looked more concerned even though I was trying to take deep breaths and smile and act okay. “Mommy should be here.” He said quietly. And I knew in that moment he was remembering the Von Trapps at the Christmas tree farm, and yearning for that for himself. And for me.

I had to be at my sisters within about twenty minutes, and they went with my ex that night.

I got the tree up. It’s still standing and mostly straight. But this is divorced single Mama life. Moments of utter punch in the gut raw parenthood while I’m standing there alone putting up the tree. Then I just carry that. Alone.

My kids see me. They see cracks in my invincible Mama armor because I am human and how can I not have moments where I let my feelings slip through?

Other then hugging my kids and telling them I love them there are not “happy endings” to these moments. I had to finish the tree and then move on with our day. But that was a hard one and I was not okay after that. I don’t want my ex here. The divorce was very necessary for many reasons. And I am better as an individual and as a parent without her. I am allowed to feel alone though and lonely. And I would have appreciated another person over five feet in the room helping me with the tree.

And my son saw this whole family and then saw me break a little bit.

And this is why parenting changed when I started doing it alone. This is why it became harder and I feel even more blind navigating it.

Since becoming a single parent I’ve done some research and what I found were alarming statistics including 63% of suicides are individuals from single parent households. The stress, the shame, and the loneliness of single parenting is real and of course it impacts the children in the homes. Study after study showed an increase in anxiety, depression, and substance abuse as well as poverty and welfare among single Moms. There are of course many postulations on these statistics but seeing as how I live it I want to throw my own in there.

We have to start talking about these moments. We have to bring them into the light and out of this horrible shaming mindset. Being a single parent and having vulnerability and having sad moments with our kids is okay, normal, and should be expected. Because it’s hard and there are no normalizing factors within our communities for single parents.

It was less than ten seconds. That interaction with my son while I was holding a sappy Christmas tree. I’ve had other moments like this. They are intimate and visceral and raw and they make me feel like the worst human and also the strongest and most resilient and most alone.

I have resources though. I have great friends & family who see me and support me and I engage in my own therapy and I have built and continue to build financial security for myself and my sons. I also am a strong person and I’m too damn stubborn to give up on anything but especially not on my sons and myself. But there are many parents out there who don’t have the resources and maybe are not as strong. This is for you. You are not alone. These painful moments happen to us all and you are allowed to feel that pain in the moment and you’re allowed to let your kids see you feel it too. Give yourself some grace and accept help from people who offer it. You are not alone.

988- Lifeline/Suicide hotline

http://www.thetrevorproject.org

Trans lifeline- 877-565-8860

“Tilt When You Should Withdraw”
Nursing

“Tilt When You Should Withdraw”

lesbehonest2017Leave a comment

You know you’re a millennial when…the movies of the late 90’s and early 2000’s still define who I am as a person. And they are grossly underrated by all these twats coming after us. You know I’ve met multiple people (mostly my clients in their early to mid-20’s) who have never see Lethal Weapon or Bad Boys? To be fair Lethal Weapon was 80’s but Bad Boys?! None of them! Do you know how many times I’ve referenced a line and they stare at me blankly or worse like I’m old?!

Despicable. But the worst is if they have not seen A Knight’s Tale. Not only is Heath Ledger probably one of the best actors to live (and die far too young) but it’s hilarious, sad, poignant, and action packed.

It’s also historically relevant because it’s loosely based on Chaucer’s A Knights Tale. There are many parts of this movie that speak to me, essentially the whole movie. Because it’s an underdog story of a young man being told he can’t. But then he does. I have always felt that. As a girl I was told I was too smart, too loud, too opinionated, as a woman I’ve been told the same.

All William wants to do is joust. And he’s rather good at it. He builds a team ultimately who believe in him and who stand in front of him in the stocks to block the rotten food being thrown at him. That’s when Prince Edward unveils himself and steps up to William who is dirty and weak and bent in the stocks.

Prince Edward (who is also kind of hot) leans over and says “What a pair we make huh? Both trying to hide who we are, both unable to do so. Your men love you. If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough. But you also tilt when you should withdraw…and that is knightly, too.”

Tilting exposing a knight’s face and leaves them vulnerable to injury but it also gives them the most advantage in striking their opponent.

That scene gets me every time. I’m usually crying by the time he pulls William out of the stocks and he shakily kneels in front of the prince.

It’s quite a thing to be seen. To truly be seen. If you think about it there are very few people we come across in life who see our true selves for all that we are. Who have the patience, the insight, and the ability to see who you are.

That scene gave me hope as a teenager that I could be something more. That I could “change my stars” and along the way I would meet people who truly do see me.

I had to grow into a person I was proud to have people truly see. It was hard in nursing as a confident, smart, and direct woman. The feedback was mostly negative. And the message was to do my job and not question management even when nurses were being assaulted and abused. God forbid I ask for mental health services after a major assault or updated TdAp vaccines for the entire staff after two pertussis exposures to me personally and twenty other staff members.

It took distance and time and therapy for me to realize that what I sought was not wrong. I’m allowed to take up space and ask for reasonable accommodations, help, and support from my employer especially when working in high acuity and dangerous areas.

People seemed to listen when I spoke. I was told by a manager after I became an APRN that I was an “unofficial leader” because they knew everyone would listen to me but that I was not actually in charge. That surprised me. I didn’t realize people paid attention to me honestly.

That conversation opened the door for me to open my own practice. I was not wrong to be smart and confident and direct. I was not wrong to expect a safe work environment. And I could get that. But I’d have to do it on my own.

Five years later I am safe and I’m surrounded by people who truly see me and appreciate me personally and professionally.

It’s been validating to be in business for myself and treat employees the way I wanted to be treated and to see their appreciation and the loyalty that it builds. I’m not perfect. I’m still too direct. And I am impatient sometimes. And maybe too patient other times. I also tilt when I should withdraw- I fight the fight for clients, employees, I fight insurers, and my favorite line is “I’ve got nothing but time,” whenever I’m told that something is not possible…I make it possible. And my friends, family, and co-workers see this.

They see me and finally that what were perceived as negative traits are actually positive and have helped me grow a business and expand mental health services for the Queer community.

I’d like to think if I was in the stocks I’d have some people who would stand up to block the rotting vegetables from hitting me.

That’s a good feeling actually. Knowing I have people who see me and who think I’m worth protecting. They also would probably make very sarcastic remarks and jokes to work off their anxiety in the moment but they’d be there. (You know who you are;)

Because that is what’s important right? To have people who would block the rotten vegetables from you.

And every Gen Z-er reading this…this is why you are missing out. You don’t even know one of the life goals you are supposed to have. Lord have mercy.