Sometimes I haven’t blogged because I’ve been busy and I seem to spend my nights lately posting ERA payments to accounts, reviewing accounts receivable, and all the endless micro-details of running a private practice. But the past twelve months when I’ve sat down to blog I have also generally written pretty damn depressing blogs.
I usually end up crying and it’s all just horrible. Then it’s another week before I get time to write a non-crying blog but end up still writing a horribly depressing piece. There are a few reasons. 1. Since 2019 when my Dad died, life has been generally rather depressing in some ways. Actually three major events that are not really bloggable due to NDA’s, my children one day reading this blog, and general violence that is rated R or maybe even…What’s the one that’s worse than R? I dunno. See the great thing about me is that you don’t know if I’m kidding or not. (I’m not;)
Life’s been rough. What’s ironic is that my life outwardly looks like I have made huge strides in the last three years. My kids are thriving as is my business. I am up to ten? employees. I think ten. I just hired another one and I can’t remember if they make ten or eleven. But it’s a thing in small business when you hit ten employees. It’s a landmark.
I am opening a second location for my practice, and making plans for 2023 for a third.
I decided recently to take a 30 day social media break. No snaps, Insta, FB, and…well that’s all the social media I use. I’m on day 4. It was Christmas Eve at 5 AM as I lay in bed that I made the decision.
I may not go back to it at all. Nothing is missing. I realized how incredibly fake it is. I was writing one of those super depressing blog posts that will never be published and realized how my two closest friends at the moment are not even on FB. Well, one is, but she rarely posts anything and only follows dog mom groups. I realized that the people who show up for me will keep showing up for me whether I’m on social media or not. And the people who judge me, hate me, fear me, whatever, will still do all of those things except they won’t “like” or “love” my pictures and posts pretending to care about anything I have to say or do.
My day to day hasn’t changed. Except I don’t spend minutes mindlessly scrolling through posts. And as I said, my communication with my friends hasn’t changed at all. They are still my friends. We still text and talk and see each other. I just don’t talk to or hear from any one else whose presence in my life was a facade.
I got a dog 5 weeks ago. I’ve never been a “dog person”. In fact I still probably am not a dog person. But I like my dog. I’ve had nightmares as long as I can remember. I can go months without one, and then have three in a row. Completely unpredictable. A couple weeks ago I shot up in bed, heart racing, palms sweating, terror gripping me as it always does. I’m 36 and a nightmare can still completely wig me out. Over the years I’ve learned I have to get out of bed and walk around. Usually I have to walk about the whole house and catch my breath and ground myself to reality.
But that night, my dog lifted her sleepy head and looked at me as a I breathed frantically in and out; reliving whatever terror I just dreamt. It’s always tornadoes, tidal waves, or a grisly death (You can die in your dreams. I’ve done it. Many times- being stabbed is my least favorite). I reached out and hugged my puppy and she rested her snout on my shoulder. I felt her breath on my back and my heart rate slowed down, and I could breathe normally. I laid my head back down on my pillow and she scooted over to put her whole body up against my back, and for the first time I can remember I was able to fall back asleep almost immediately after a nightmare.
It was an odd, intimate moment that I shared with my dog, Cheetah. She’s only five months old. She drives me insane in many ways. And she’s a big baby in many ways. But in that moment she was wise and grounding and real.
I’ve been through a lot in the past three years and what I’ve learned is to lean into what’s real. Lean into who shows up. Lean into who can handle your darkness because they can help guide you to the light.
Cutting out social media is a reminder for me as to who my friends are and to invest my time and energy into people who are truly here for me. It’s a grounding exercise to remind myself whose presence in my life is grounding versus not. That moment with Cheetah reminded me of the moments in the past three years that I’ve felt terrified and alone. She reminded me to focus on who helped me through those times and to appreciate all I have instead of staying stuck in the dark.