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Laughing At Myself…(it involves falling)

There are moments on a daily basis that people actually wouldn’t believe occur to the same person over and over unless you spent an extended period of time with me. For example, one of my best friends in high school spent a lot of time with me. Small town. Limited things to do. Lots of time. As we grew up and grew apart, we still touch base at least a few times a year. He always asks how I’m doing then eventually I will share a story of something and he laughs and says “It literally has never stopped with you has it? Your life should be a reality show.” When my admin started she spent the first few weeks working out of my house. She was definitely with me at least 4 hours a day 4 days a week in my home. This was the month in between office spaces when we were still fully remote. As I stumbled through the house one day and ran to my car because i was running late for a doctor’s appointment…she looked at me said, “Wow, you really are a total hot mess in a super funny but also somewhat unbelievable way. Like people who just meet you would never know.” I proceeded to run back into the house three times because I forgot my keys, forgot my phone, couldn’t find my phone, searched the car, came back in to find my phone again, then eventually found it in the car.

Tonight was one of those moments. I brought the boys to their first official karate class. We did an intro session on Saturday just them and the instructor. They of course loved it, are obsessed with it, and want to be black belts. I’m not social. I talk to people all day about their deep emotional traumas. When I leave work I’m not into making small talk with Moms. 1. They are usually straight. 2. In my town it’s 50/50 that they support #45 and think we have a fake President. 3. I’m usually just freaking tired.

My own Mom is one of those people who will chat with someone in line at the grocery store or anywhere for that matter. Then she asks all these questions, and smiles…and yeah literally the opposite of me as I slink off to find a freaking self check out so I can talk to no one. Sometimes she asks me follow up questions about an interaction I have with some one and then I just stare at her and then she remembers that I in no way went further in the conversation then I had to.

This week I had to sit on the soccer sidelines and go to karate class. I have somehow become this Mom of creatures who are social and like other kids and stuff. I don’t know where they come from.

I’m also a business owner. So I’m on all the time. I get a call from the landlord who is discussing my latest request which is insane. I own that. I make insane requests. He laughs at me. He realizes I’m serious. Then we put our heads together and figure it out. I’m a good and profitable tenant.

Anyways. I get the phone call, I’m walking outside, I have a mask on so I can’t see below me, I have my AirPods in so I’m all discombobulated anyway because my freaking phone keeps putting the sound on my phone then back to my AirPods and I’m looking at my phone, trying to rip the mask off as I push open the door…and then epically fall.

There’s a step.

I have on flip flops. I’m holding my brand new iPhone which I do NOT let drop on the ground can I get an amen! So my left hand was on the door handle, my right hand held the phone, my mouth was open behind the mask going “AHHHHH” my body swung, literally swung, with the door, my flip-flops got all bent and crazy, my ass did not hit the ground, I was actually able to stay in a squat like position. But it was intense and there was rain and the door swinging and my body flying around.

So inside were a few parents who clearly, I mean clearly, saw the whole thing because I actually held eye contact with one of them as it was happening. Then the rest of the parents were sitting in running cars facing said door and sidewalk I just fell onto. Then there was my poor landlord John. He also probably thinks I am not okay. Because unfortunately he has spent enough time with me on the phone designing my current office space, and now designing our add on space, that he knows random crazy shit is going to happen while we talk.

I literally scream/yell. Pull myself up. Realize that no parent is going to ask if I’m okay. I am also cracking up because if any of my friends were there they would have been breaking my balls hardcore. I finally get John the landlord into by Airbuds. After being like “Can you hear me” a million times, and he’s trying not to laugh at the chaos of the last two minutes, he was like “Uh yeah, I could hear you the whole time.” silence. Me cracking up. “Dude I literally just fell out of my kids karate studio. I can’t.” He sighs like he’s not surprised at all this is happening and then asks about my most recent completely irrational and costly update I requested to the new space we are designing.

The problem with AirPods and holding the iPhone anywhere is that I can talk with my hands. I’m a big walker and talker with my hands. I’m not Italian. I’m Irish and Swedish. Literally the least emotive people. But there I was. Walking and talking with my hands waving them around, running them through my massive humid induced curly hair head and trying to convince him it’s maybe not that costly or irrational. It’s maybe a six minute conversation. I am animatedly making my case the entire time after recovering from my fall.

When we hang up I stop. I look around. I realize all those parents who are sitting in their cars who saw me fall just also saw me have a very animated conversation with my hands, barefoot, because apparently at some point I kicked off my flip flops, as I paced on the sidewalk in front of the very large karate studio picture window where the parents sitting inside also had a great view.

At that point I start cracking up again. I apparently had also ripped off my mask which I picked up off the sidewalk next to my flip flops. I am obviously very passionate when I’m making a case for more things and less money after heinously falling and screaming in the beginning of our call.

With as much dignity as I could muster I put on my flip-flops. I put on my mask. I walked back inside and returned to my chair. No one said a word. Not a word. I texted my friends and told them I fell and they sent me GIFs of models walking the runway and falling. It was amazing.

I gotta be honest. I’m sore. My back and shoulders and somehow my arm took a beating. I told the boys after karate and then walking out I almost fell a second time. Damn stair. I blame the mask. But yes I’ll keep wearing it even though no one else was wearing one because Delta. Covid. Science. Blah blah blah.

My point to this rambling retelling of my epic fall out the karate door on the phone with some one who could cost or save me thousands of dollars is…be real. I am not fake. I have never hidden from any one the hot mess that I am. It’s just a matter of who I let in that sees it.

I love my life. I love my kids. I love that I can laugh at myself stumbling onto a sidewalk in the rain. Laugh at yourself. Laugh with your friends. I was going to say talk to other people at your kids sporting events, but that would be super hypocritical. Baby steps. I’m just not there yet. Oh, and always fight the good fight for seemingly irrational requests that cost a lot of money. Know your worth because I know my mine. (it’s a lot).

One thought on “Laughing At Myself…(it involves falling)

  1. I am ten times worse than you. I am a professional clutz, scatter-brained and trip over air. Used to be conscious about it, and it made it worse. Now I couldn’t care less. Pretty sure people are laughing at me, but you know what? I am glad I gave them the laugh because heaven knows we all need it.

    Liked by 1 person

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