Month: June 2021

Won’t Back Down
homophobia · Mental Health Stigma Suicide

Won’t Back Down

lesbehonest20171 Comment

This week has been rough. It’s only Wednesday. On top of single mom-ing it, dealing with a sick cat, and running a mental health practice…it’s been busy. The cat is doing better. My kids are…giving me a lot of greys but otherwise okay…and I was threatened by a disgruntled patient.

I think it’s easy to surround ourselves with safe bubbles. Liberal or conservative, gay or straight, we often surround ourselves with people who make us feel safe. I do this in my own life personally and professionally. It’s rare for me to be threatened and as I’ve gotten better at screening patients it’s happened less and less. In fact it had been a few years.

I’ve never called the police but I called them this week. The threat felt calculated and also quite unhinged. And I’m sick of people trying to bully me because they see rainbows on my website and figure out we are Queer. And I was actually threatened. You can’t do that to people. It’s not okay. I felt violated and shaken.

I’ve actually had a knife drawn in my office before. Twice. And I didn’t call the police then. I never actually felt threatened. Sounds a little crazy I know. But the knives were more statements not necessarily pointed at me. And I shrugged and asked them to put it away. They did. This career is voluntary and in moments like those with the knives and years later with being threatened over the phone I always have thoughts of walking away. I don’t need this.

But I don’t walk away. Because that also irritates me. Because why should I give up what I love to do because of a few threats here and there? I didn’t feel good filing a police report. I felt annoyed generally that I had to do it annoyed at the threat, annoyed at myself for being shaken and forgetting how I lived protected in my bubble until it was burst.

I’ve never shared publicly threats in the past but again, I’m sick of being bullied. As a Queer female business owner who is not an MD, but an APRN, people generally feel more entitled to speak down to me or to raise their voice or in this case to threaten me.

The threat would not have been made had I been a straight white male MD with a boring website without rainbows. That kind of enrages and saddens me.

When I’ve been threatened in the past and with the knives it was never about being Queer it was patients who wanted certain medications that I declined to give them. This was different. This was plain old hate and discrimination.

There is not much more to say about it except that it happened. That I know all too well this comes with the territory of being an openly affirming Queer owned practice. But it still feels bad. I feel afraid at times and I don’t like that feeling. I had to tell my employees what happened and I am so grateful that they are part of my protective bubble. Because there was never a question from them about the severity or degree. No doubts just validation. They also work for me at this super Queer practice and put their safety at risk because they believe in what we do and me. They believe in me. I’ve felt a lot of feelings this week. Incredible gratitude for all of them was one feeling.

I’ve listened to a lot of Eminem. He’s my go-to. His songs are gritty and all about survival. Well minus the really messed up ones that are about murder and drugs and rape…I gotta be honest I dig some of those songs, like 3 A.M. so messed up, but probably in my top five favorites. But I digress. I’ll get through this with time and Eminem and as much as I want to walk away from the work I never could and seeing clients helps remind why I do this. Why I stick with it through the bad and the ugly. Because most people want help. Most people are trying so hard to get through and I can help.

Bubbles are great when you are in them, but rough when they burst.

Ironically this is all happening during Pride month. A celebration based out of hate and discrimination.

To any Queer people reading this. I see you. We are stronger together.

Happy Pride & Why it’s Important to Me
Divorce and Separation · homophobia · lesbian mom

Happy Pride & Why it’s Important to Me

lesbehonest2017Leave a comment

Pride month.

An administration that recognizes Pride month. Amaze-balls.

Why is Pride month a big deal? Why do we need Pride month? Why can’t you have heterosexual day or month? Blah blah blah. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We literally live in closets. For one month we can be in public spaces and not be scared to hold hands with partners. We can be at parades where we see and are seen. We can be unequivocally and unapologetically who we are. We get one month to be comfortably out. The rest of the year there are not many spaces we can all be comfortably out. Visibility is important.

Let me tell you some stories. I have a trans client whose Mom has been intermittently transphobic and had a hard time coming to terms with her son’s transition. It brought tears to both our eyes as they recounted their Mom at the NYC Pride parade, wearing a t-shirt that said, “I love my trans son” and a random trans female walking out of their spot in the parade. Beelining straight for my clients Mom and asking for a hug who enthusiastically gave her one. That moment still brings tears to my eyes. I wasn’t even there.

Pride allows us these moments.

I have many clients who first saw other people like them at Pride events. “I didn’t even know people like me existed, then I went to my first Pride parade and was like wow. I want to be them.”

I know people who were physically assaulted when they came out to family. I know people who were sexually assaulted and physically assaulted for just existing as they are. Pride allows all of us a place to find love, acceptance, peace, and most of all hope.

Have you ever been physically or sexually assaulted because you identify as heterosexual? Likely not. You can exist in any space without fear of being victimized because of your sexual orientation and gender identity. That’s why you don’t get a month. Because you get every freaking day.

I saw a guy for a few dates. At the second date he 1. expected I would have sex with him. 2. Wanted to know when we could have a threesome. 3. Was annoyed and perplexed when I declined both options and told him where he could stick it. He made a lot of assumptions based on the fact I had been with a woman: he thought I would hop into bed. He also thought I would want to hop into bed with both genders. Obviously. He didn’t get a third date. Would he have acted that way with a heterosexual woman? My guess is no.

The best part of Pride month for me this year is my practice. I spent June 1st in my brand spanking new office. It was built for us. There are four offices, a waiting area, kitchen area, and bathroom. The Landlord designed it with me, tolerated my multiple significantly more expensive demands, and now we all have windows. We all have sheetrock ceilings and heavy doors and the more expensive soundproofed sheetrock. We also have excessive numbers of outlets, dimmers on all the lights, and a thermostat for each individual office.

I commissioned an artist to make a “super classy, super Queer, not stupid, no unicorns, but obviously gay, massive painting” for a wall in the waiting area. She laughed when I said not stupid. She said, “I actually know exactly what you mean. It can get excessive fast with the rainbows.”

It feels amazing to own a space, make it mine, to have built a practice of people who are on board with the super Queer mission of the practice. One of my employees was there decorating and said she didn’t buy a print because she thought maybe it would be too much in terms of too gay. I told her if any one thinks it’s too gay friendly they are not meant to be at this practice. She agreed.

I want my practice to embody Pride month. I want that energy of hope and acceptance to be oozing out of my group. It’s incredibly freeing to be able to pursue this without any boundaries or people trying to hold me back.

I’m surrounded by Queer people. Which means I have been touched by homophobia and have witnessed transphobia firsthand. I hear about it all second hand also. My best friend and my sister are both lesbians. My ex is obviously a lesbian. I’m pleasantly curved. I have other Queer folks in my family and many many more in my friends. Then there’s my clients. I looked at my day recently and 8 out of 12 were Queer in some way. I remember smiling. I built it. They came. I love it. Pride month brings visibility but it also brings up the dark side. It brings up Stonewall. It brings up all the LGBTQ individuals who have been victims of hate. It reminds me of my sister sinking two foul shots at our state finals as the opposing crowd chanted “DYKE DYKE”. It reminds me of countless restaurant experiences of being stared at and talked about sometimes quite overtly. It reminds me that my sons have never met their grandparents on my ex’s side.

Hate drives homophobia and transphobia. The opposite of hate isn’t love. In this case it’s acceptance.

Nothing prepared me to date men again and realize after the first date why it felt so different. It wasn’t because it was a man. It was because I didn’t have the constant worry and hyper-vigilance that comes with a same-sex relationship. I was relaxed. I didn’t think the waiter or the people on the street or at the restaurant would come after us. I could let my guard down. The external minority stress was absent. I remember feeling relief. But also such deep sadness and grief. That stress was there every time I went out with my ex. It was such a part of us that I wasn’t even aware of it until it was gone. Minority couples do not go through less stress. They go through more. Because on top of normal couple stuff we have to worry about being targeted every time we step out the door.

Pride month is important because it’s the antithesis of every other day of our lives.

Be you. Love you. Happy Pride Month!