Divorce and Separation · Mental Health Stigma Suicide

What Not to Say to a Queer Woman on a Date

My therapist is closing his practice. Ugh. Took me nine months to find him. Because let me tell you how hard it is to find a therapist when you work in psychiatry in a small state. I share clients with far too many therapists.

I have until the first week in July and I told him we have until then to cure me. Because lord I don’t want to find another therapist. Then I was having coffee with a therapist so we could meet; and it was AMAZING to meet another human adult person in person without fear of dying of COVID. Thank-you vaccines. It was literally the first time I’ve done something that I used to do pre-COVID. Meet with a therapist who I share a lot of clients with. I suppose it’s considered networking but also generally common courtesy just so we can get a feel for one another. Not actually feel one another. Get your mind out of the gutter;)

So I was having coffee with him and I told him how my therapist is leaving. Sigh. And he started trying to fix it and name therapists for me, and I’m like wow. I can’t. It’s too soon. I haven’t broken up with my current therapist yet.

So let’s talk about online dating as a former lesbian. I know I’m not a lesbian. Any one who knew me before my wife knows I’m not a lesbian. But apparently having an ex who is female, as a female, makes men assume I am 1. a former lesbian who had a “phase” 2. Into threesomes 3. In need of “dick”…?

So let me provide some education here. If you ever date some one who used to date some one of the same gender or opposite gender or whatever; don’t say stupid shit.

When I train therapists and APRNs who ask for supervision related to seeing transgender clients I say the number one thing to know is “DON’T BE A DOUCHE”. I don’t yell it. But I repeat it a few times. Now I say the same thing to men trying to date a woman who used to date/be married to a woman. Don’t be a douche.

Don’t assume my sex life was lacking for the last decade I was with a woman. Because it wasn’t. Don’t assume I have not been with a man. Don’t assume I need a dick. Cuz yeah. There’s been toys around for a long time friends. No one actually needs a penis. Well except men I suppose. But even that’s debatable.

I learned quickly not to disclose my ex’s gender when chatting with prospective dates. I didn’t even disclose on a couple first dates because of disastrous responses. If there was a second date. Which there weren’t many. Then I would say her gender. Then I would still be asked pretty horrendous and invasive questions. I would also be fetishized in this creepy way. Imagine telling some one you have an ex then having them ask you how you had sex (because apparently some men don’t know how two women have sex?!), how you conceived your children (whose sperm and how it got into my uterus were common themes), and everything else you could possibly imagine being asked.

If you’re purely straight you have not had to deal with this. Because straight people generally know how a female becomes pregnant and they wouldn’t want to know about your previous sex life. I’ve been working on a presentation about LGBTQ mental health and I’ve read several articles that detail how bisexual individuals have the highest depression and suicide rates among the L’s and the G’s. I kinda get it. I mean I’m not suicidal. And I’m not depressed. But for some one more fragile and less secure entering the dating scene having been with both genders sucks. The discrimination is real.

I’ve talked to my therapist about it. A lot. Then I deleted the dating apps. Solved the problem. That was not his advice at all. But it worked for me.

I didn’t ever think dating would be this complicated. But I guess not every one has as fluid an understanding of sexuality as I do.

To clarify: Just because I’ve been married to a woman and am now dating men does not mean I want to have a threesome. It also does not mean I have been yearning and or significantly missing penis in my sex life. It also does not mean I had a phase. It means I fell in love with some one and then fell out of love with them; to diminish a decade of my life including a marriage and children to a phase is demeaning and insulting.

I think I’ll just send a link to this post to any prospective dates. lol. Not kidding though.

Overall life is good. My sons are good. My divorce is progressing. My business is growing. And the dating thing…well I know what I’m not looking for.

One thought on “What Not to Say to a Queer Woman on a Date

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