Everybody poops. So let’s get that out of the way. It’s just not something we generally talk about as a society (unless you work in healthcare in which case we are ALL aware of our poop schedules including when/where and if there’s enough roughage in our diets…but that’s another story).

There are many things no one tells you when you decide to embark on a parenting journey. One thing was the no sleep and exhaustion that just takes over your body for years. Another thing is that you will never poop in peace again. Or at least not for a decade or two.

Starting when they are newborns. Because they will inevitably start screaming mid-poop. And there’s nothing you can do. Because seriously, mid-poop. Nothing else to do but let them scream. It leads to a lot of not relaxing, stressful poops. Which is the opposite of how a good poop is supposed to feel.

That quintessential image of a person on the toilet with the newspaper. Ha. Good luck with that. More like, an inner dialogue of, ‘Shit, get out, get out, please be an easy one or two wipe clean-up, they are screaming, shit,’ And an outer dialogue of “Okay baby, it’s okay, Mama’s coming, stop crying pllleeeeaaaaase.” They never stop crying. Until you are done.

Then they get older and bigger. They understand what poop is. They learn to flush toilets. They also start walking, talking, and the worst….opening doors.

So sometimes I try and sneak away, say “Mama is going pee pee” while they are eating breakfast. Thank God they are obsessed with breakfast. It can buy me a few minutes. Then, with two two year olds you have a couple options.

1- Door closed and locked and deal with banging and yelling that ensues because God forbid they not be allowed into a space where I need to be for just a few minutes.

2- Keep the door open. Allow one or two toddlers to join me, chat and babble while you are pooping, and then fight and beg to have them leave the bathroom so you can wipe.

I guess the third option is to just allow them to stay there while you wipe. But then they inevitably try and look into the toilet while you are wiping or they want to hand you toilet paper, or they are trying to flush the toilet, or they decide in that moment to wash their hands and want your help…trust me, get them out at the very least while you are wiping.

Trust me. A lot comes along with kids. What no one tells you about is that you will never poop in peace. Ever. Again. So enjoy the silence, the closed doors, the magazines, the time on your phone scrolling facebook or whatever it is you do with those moments on a toilet. Treasure the quiet relaxing poops of today.

Because if your future holds children, you will never know that peace again instead just accept your poop time will be anxiety-provoking with loud little people screaming or banging on the door, and if you keep the door locked and you have more than one…occasionally you may come out of the bathroom to find one of them bleeding and guaranteed on a daily basis one of them will be crying and blaming the other kid for hitting/kicking or taking a toy. It’s a gamble either way.

To toddler parents everywhere….May the Force Be With You.

To future toddler parents. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.