10 Questions You’re Not Allowed to Ask a Lesbian

  1. “How do lesbians have sex?” 
    1. This question is inappropriate to ask of anyone, why people think it’s okay to ask lesbians is beyond me. If you would like more information on this subject please reference here (It’s not a link to porn).
  2. “How did you get pregnant? Did you like inject the sperm?” 
    1. Please see “How lesbians get pregnant”
  3. “Did your wife breastfeed too?” 
    1. Yes I’ve been asked this. Again I think this falls into the “It’s none of your business” category. She didn’t for the record. Any question having to do with another person’s private parts (genitals and/or breasts) are quite intimate and should not be asked unless you have an intimate relationship with the person.
  4. “So when did you choose this lifestyle?” 
    1. Sigh. Yes I’ve been asked this. So has my wife. For me I agree it was a choice. I mean I didn’t choose to fall in love with my wife. I certainly wasn’t trying to. But it happened. I could be content with a male. My wife however was born gay. She would never have chosen this especially after everything she has lost. Now that I’m married I really resent the term “lifestyle”. It’s not a style; it’s my fucking life. I live and breathe my wife and my kids and to have it demeaned down to a “style” pisses me off. My style is if I’m into bellbottoms or leather. Not my family and the people I love. They are not a trend or a passing fancy. They are my life. Not my style.
  5. But don’t your kids need a Dad?”
    1. Short answer is No. Longer answer is here. That blog post lists statistics showing there is no damage done to children raised by single moms or two moms or two dads. Parenting is about fostering healthy attachments and love- that’s what creates healthy adults.
  6. (This question is for us “beautifully curved” lesbians who end up married to a woman but who used to date men and would probably date men again aka Me) “So does this mean you are bisexual?”
    1. I cringe when people ask me this. Most don’t now that I’m married to a woman. But I was definitely asked this a lot by people from my past who knew I dated men previously. It just doesn’t feel like it fits me. I’m not into labels. Just accept that I am married to a woman and don’t try to stick me in an uncomfortable box because it makes you feel better. Same goes for asking if some one is a lesbian or gay or transgender or whatever. People may not fit into a nice label for you. Live with it.
  7. “How do you know you don’t like being with a guy?”
    1. In most cases we’ve tried it. If we haven’t- then my reverse question to a straight male would be “How do you know you wouldn’t like being with a guy?” You just kind of know. Anal sex may not be that appealing to you, or perhaps the male body in general just turns you off. Well that’s generally how lesbians feel about males. The attraction and desire isn’t there.
  8. “Who’s the husband in your marriage?” (“Who’s the man?” “Who’s the guy?”)
    1. There isn’t one. We both have vagina’s. Hence the whole lesbian thing. People in our society have a binary view of relationships- one must be male and one must be female. The whole gay thing should do away with that but it doesn’t. Because my wife has short hair people assume she’s more masculine, when in reality she takes way longer to do her hair and emotionally she’s definitely the female. So just because one lesbian in the relationship looks more masculine doesn’t mean they identify more as male than female. That’s called an assumption.
  9. “So does that mean you are into threesome’s?”
    1. Short answer No. My wife and I were at a bar in Manhattan once. We went away for an overnight just because. It was a vodka bar, and there were a couple business men at the bar with us. We were trying to enjoy the night away in the city and this one man in particular kept hitting on us. I told him we were married and he laughed and said, “So?” Like I want to go to Manhattan for a romantic night with my wife and pick up some drunk loser in a vodka bar?! No. The answer will always be no. So stop. I remember thinking if I was here with a man I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit. That pissed me off more. We left that bar and found another without a drunk asshole trying to pick us up. Wherever we go because we are two females we attract straight male attention because they seem to find it intriguing. For the record we couldn’t find them less intriguing.
  10. “Why do you need a gay pride? Why can’t I have straight pride?”
    1. I’m going to make a comparison here. 3rd Rock From the Sun is one of my all time favorite TV shows. Dick (the main character) learns about the Black student union at the university where he teaches and it eats away at him that he can’t go to it (he’s white). So he asks around and tries to find the white student union (there isn’t one) and then he asks about white pride stuff, and he ends up at a Klan rally. There is no white student union or white pride because white people are privileged already and they have never had to fight for equal rights.
    2. Straight pride happens every day; in every movie, in every television commercial, on every magazine cover. Heterosexual couples are the “norm” and homosexual couples have to fight for our rights to exist. So yes, we are going to take some time and bring some awareness to our fight for equality. We don’t need gay pride. We need a way to bring faces and names to our struggle and to shine light on our fight. Since I started writing this blog post so many of my heterosexual friends and family members have told me “I’ve read so many things that I never thought of before.” These are unbiased people who are related to a lesbian being enlightened. Because unless you live our life every day you don’t know the struggles we face. Taking a day, a weekend, a month to shove the LGBT people into people’s faces is fine in my book. We need the exposure otherwise people forget that we exist and stop caring. Sad but true.

I’m sure there are many other questions lesbians have been asked that are rude or inappropriate. Curiosity is natural and I have much more patience and compassion when I know I am being asked questions from a place of kindness and a person who is just trying to understand. But at the same time I’m not asking for anyone to understand me. I’m just trying to live my life the way I want to.

Before you ask a lesbian a question think about it- do you need to know this or do you want to know? Would you be offended if someone asked you this question? Are you lowering your voice to say it out loud? If any of these are true you probably shouldn’t be asking.

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