There have been many times that friends, family members, and total strangers have asked me how lesbians have sex. To be fair, prior to my relationship with my wife I also asked my sister and my best friend (also a lesbian) that very question. I got the same response from them that I’ve given to most everyone who has asked me. An awkward moment of mumbling, avoiding eye contact, and quickly trying to change the subject.
Let’s reverse this. I meet someone for the first time, a female, and find out she is married to a man. I immediately ask, “So what’s your favorite sexual position? Do you both enjoy oral sex or is it just penetration?” Most people would run away from me because that feels awkward even to type. Unless there is a room full of good girlfriends and a bottle of wine people generally don’t go into detail about their sex lives- straight or gay.
To be very clear asking a woman point blank “So how do you have sex?” is rude. So maybe don’t do that anymore.
There are some obvious facts about lesbian sex that one could figure out if you stopped and thought about it. There’s no penis. Two girls grinding against each other does not produce an orgasm. Pornography never gets it right. Lesbians are human. Just like heterosexual couples there is a wide variety of lesbian sex. Some people are into BDSM and kink, some are not. Some people like performing and/or receiving oral sex, some do not. Some people have sex frequently, others do not. Some people like using toys while others do not. Mass generalizations cannot be made about “lesbian sex” because not all couples are the same. If you are familiar with female anatomy then you know there are potentially two ways to have an orgasm. Externally or internally or both. So basically use your imagination and don’t imagine it’s anything like what you have seen in pornography.
The three fun facts that I will share about lesbian sex are these:
1- Women can orgasm multiple times and don’t necessarily need a recovery period. So lesbian sex can potentially go on for hours.
2- Women are more emotional and seek intimacy in a deeper way then men. Having sex with men is a totally different experience and I think it’s because of the emotions that two women bring to the bedroom. It’s instantly deeper and more connected.
3- The goals of lesbian sex are different then the goals of heterosexual sex. It’s a selfless act on both sides because you are only concerned with pleasing one another.
4- My first sexual experience with a woman was supposed to be my last. I told her ahead of time it was a one night stand, and she agreed with that plan. Ten years later we are married with two kids. I am not advocating for one night stands, but it did work out for me.
Lesbian sex is a loaded issue because many among the religious right believe that the act of lesbian sex is the reason that we are all going to hell. They liken lesbian sex to bestiality and pedophilia. I think that’s fucked up. I’ve never had sex with an animal and don’t plan on it. The idea of sexually molesting a child literally makes me want to vomit. To have something beautiful in my eyes compared to two things so utterly low and evil physically pains me. I’m sure there are things happening in the bedrooms of those among the religious right that would sicken me. That’s why we all have sex in the privacy of our own homes.
I understand the natural curiosity around lesbian sex. It is something viewed as “alternative” maybe even “subversive”. To others it is literally the reason we will burn in hell for eternity. There are a lot of reasons why some one’s interest could be piqued. But what happens in any lesbian’s bed is really no one else’s business. Just because you are curious doesn’t mean that you have a right to know.
This will not be my last post about lesbian sex, because as I stated, it is a hot button issue and to some people it is the most interesting aspect of a lesbian relationship. I will leave you with this thought. My wife was told from a young age that sex with a woman would lead to eternal damnation. She firmly believed this and on some level still grapples with that idea. To some one skeptical of religion this may seem naive or silly, but it’s true. She believed she would burn in hell for eternity because she was having sex with a woman. But guess what, she did it anyway. It’s that good that she risks burning in eternal hell fire. I’ve told her that I’ll be right there burning with her if that’s the case because honestly it’s worth it.